I have been thinking about and writing this post for over a year now, but one thing or another always stopped me from doing so. With the cases being heard today and tomorrow and seeing all of my friends and family change their profile pictures to red on Facebook has made this an easier process and I want to thank them, so I believe it is finally time for me to do this. So here goes nothing.......I'm a lesbian. I'm pretty sure there is a good majority of you who are saying to yourself "yeah, totally called that", but there are still a few who don't know. This is not something I just "decided" after I was divorced or even last year. I have know since I was 10 years old, that there was something different about me.
It was the most horrible feeling in the world to wake up every day wishing you were someone else. The feeling you don’t want to get out of bed and face the person that you really are. Afraid to tell anyone how you really feel or who you really are is more painful than I think I could ever express. To look at everyone else and realize you don't fit in with any of them, you can pretend, smile and act like you fit in but you never really do. I finally figured out where I fit in, I am a proud lesbian and would not change a thing about my life right now. It may have taken me 20 years to get here, but the struggle that over the years has made me who I am today and stronger than ever. I’m not one to run around with the rainbow flag and be up in everyone’s business about it, but it is time to stand up like so many great people before me, show the world who I really am and that I am not ashamed of it.
I understand if this is something that people cannot accept and may no longer want to associate with me, I'm ok with that. I have spent too much of my life worrying about what other people think and trying to fit into what most people see as the "normal" way of living. I tried getting married, having the house, the toys and all of that. All that ever did was put me further into a depression and self hate, because I knew I was living a lie. I had no business being in a marriage and I hurt someone in the process. From when I was in 5th grade it started, I was bullied and made fun of. A rumor spread that I was going to get a sex change during the summer because I wore a Jose Canseco t-shirt to school. All the way up through high school, I was told by several people, that I looked like a dyke. While playing softball when I was young, I had parents on opposing teams that did not believe I was a girl and wanted to "check" to make sure. I was made made fun of and called horrible names because I played sports and wasn’t as "feminine" as the other girls on the team. There were many things growing up that made being gay in my eyes not ok and made me hide who I was for so long.
I know and understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I am not trying to push mine onto anyone else, but please be aware when your opinion infringes on the rights of someone else. Me being gay doesn't make me any less of a person, which for the longest time I thought it did. It doesn’t make me a different person than I was yesterday before you knew the truth. I am different in a way though, I am finally free, free to be who I really am, no more hiding, lying or pretending to be something I am not. It is important for the people in the LGBTQ+ Community to make themselves visible, but as I have learned in my LGBT Studies class, it is even more important for allies to make themselves visible
I'm sorry to those who felt I should have done this face to face, but there are just too many people to sit down and talk to. My blog is a means to let people know. My hope with sharing this publicly, is that it helps someone. It may be only one person, but if this helps someone who is struggling with who they are or maybe it will help put things in perspective for someone who is not as accepting. That is my main goal, to put this out there to help other people.
There are a few really good things that helped me realize that I was not the only one who had these struggles. Chely Wright wrote an amazing book and had a fantastic documentary filmed about her coming out process, called Wish Me Away. I encourage everyone to watch it and see what hate and judging people does to others. Not just about their sexuality, but in general what judgement and hate does and how it makes people feel. My LGBT Studies class has been amazing in showing me how large this community is and that there are many accepting people out there. Thank you to everyone who has been with me through this journey, especially my family, who have been supportive since I told them two years ago. Also, thank you to Lisa for proofreading. :)